How I feel about now.

Things don’t always go as expected or as planned. Unfortunately you can’t just flick a switch to turn off part of your life, or press pause when it gets too much.

I know I haven’t posted in 2 weeks but bear with me! Of course I could have been super organised and motivated by writing some entries and scheduling them to appear on your screens throughout my time of being away, but it wasn’t going to happen. I even started the blogging 101 course, which I was committed to for around a week until I started dismissing the daily tasks before I had even looked at what they were. I haven’t had a great deal of ideas recently for posts either, which is another large obstacle that I do not have the energy to face at the moment.

Currently, I still have 3 weeks before my summer break is up. Last week was spent at a massive christian festival which I go to every year, and I met some pretty damn awesome people. Some things were difficult while I was there, including the inevitable lack of sleep you get whilst camping, but it was difficult to think about going home too. On our first arrival, things were just a little shaky for me. It seems stupid, but there is reasoning behind it. My memories of last year’s holiday involved me starting to become quite ill, and if you get that, then you can understand the few triggers I felt.

This feeling only lasted a short time and soon I began to really enjoy being away- we made a fair amount of friends on the first night and even met up with people from a year ago, which was great. The problem with it being crammed into one week, is that it’s all over too fast. There were multiple mini meltdowns(can we just appreciate the skillful alliteration used there. Ok thanks) on the last day due to the fact that we’re from all over the country and life’s boring otherwise etc etc.

One of the worst things is that one week doesn’t give a great deal of time to figure out how you feel about the people you meet. For me this year, there was one person that specifically fitted that agenda. Make one last minute mistake as you say goodbye and you could regret it for a time afterwards. Admittedly, I probably rushed as far as I could with someone I met, and maybe that was a bad idea. But the reason I rushed is because I had so little time to decide what to do, that in end I just had to fit all the goodbyes and possible-events-that-could-have-happened into one day. There was no time for contemplating what could happen, so I went with the moment. It felt right, and although I know I could have done it all another way – a way that didn’t risk anyone’s feelings, a way that didn’t risk my feelings – I don’t regret it.

I wish there was a simple way of explaining what happened and the reasons behind it but there just isn’t, and there isn’t any need to look deeply into it anyway.

Being back home, I guess life retreats back to normality – get up, eat, think about your days wasting away, think about the really cool things that you could be doing, stay up really late for no reason, go back to bed. The problem with this is I have more time to be alone with my thoughts, and that starts me going around in circles, debating whether the day is worth it or not. Today especially, I feel as though my head is too tired to keep my body upright.

I’m not ecstatic to get back to school, but at least it brings back the undeniable comfort zone of routine. Get through each school day, and think how many days you’ve got until Friday. Sadly, life in education isn’t very fun, although it keeps your mind occupied when life isn’t very fun anyway.



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