May 27th I thought it would be good to write something a bit less intense for once, so I’m just going to… go with the flow? Some of the things I write feel so cringey (even the word ‘cringey’ is cringey), but to be honest opening my mind up about thoughts and feelings etc is easier than writing about just… anything. Casual stuff. I hate the whole thing about talking about your ‘thoughts and feelings’ too, like, doesn’t that just sound like a therapy session set up by a nursery teacher?
Maybe it’s just me, but I haven’t usually been good at explaining what goes on in my head. Recently, I’ve noticed my immediate actions towards my problems – I ignore them. Sure, it works for me, it cuts it off and then I’m done. But I guess it isn’t the least messy way to resolve something. If I don’t know what to do about someone, I’ll unfriend them on facebook, delete their number and avoid them. It’s kind of sad how in this new society, you can remove somebody from your life with the click of a button. Sure, it hurts people and it’s hard for me too, but I didn’t use to be very good at coping with stuff. My trust in people tends to vary. One minute I can feel like I can tell them exactly what I want, but then one tiny thing changes my whole view on them. I guess I’m quite an independent person, I do most things alone. It’s not that I don’t have friends (Ha, at least I think I do- and every one of them is great), I just feel like I have a weird connection with people sometimes.
I get along with people really well. I make friends easily, I don’t hide myself from the outside world with permanently closed curtains. But nobody comes to mind immediately if I had to name one person who knew everything about me and understood me completely. And I think that’s just normal. We all have to be our own person, if you purely rely on other people to build your life, you aren’t really living at all. You’re just an observer, watching other people grow up and leave you behind. They can’t pull you along forever, being your opinion, telling you what to think, how you should do things. It just doesn’t work like that.
August 18th It’s been a while since I updated this post (as it’s been sat in my drafts box for a while now), and to be honest, things have actually changed. Recently, while away I made some really close bonds and – for once – opened up to somebody. We had both experienced ‘bottling up feelings’, and I guess on that week especially I was struggling with something. As I was once told, once you’ve opened up to one person, you’ll find it easier to speak to others too. I know this sounds so cheesy, but it makes a lot of sense. At first, I was scared of doing so because I don’t want other people finding out about how I feel. I want to keep my metre-thick barrier nice and tall, because otherwise I’m completely exposed. I open a little window and then the whole world tries to pour in.
But just within the past few weeks, I’ve noticed a change. Like I inched up my metaphorical floodgate to allow some of the water out. Maybe I needed a bit of help initially lifting it, but now if I have a bad day, or a problem, I know I can talk to people. It’s still only a select few, and they might know who they are, but I like it that way. Some day I will be able to accept other people’s help, I will be able to let more people in to more parts of me, but for now I am okay.